When someone is going through suffering and hurt, we always want to help, don’t we? But there are times that our good intentions can be misunderstood by the person that we are helping.
Words are powerful. Our words, no matter how truthful they are, do not mean that it is helpful to the person that we minister to.
I have ministered to women for many years and despite my good intention to make them feel better, there are times that I cause more wounds rather than healing. What I have learned through these years is that ministering to others takes wisdom from God.
For there are situations that “God is in control” or “You need to do this and that” even the phrase, “God has a plan for you” won’t be an encouragement to that someone who is suffering or hurting.
After all these years of being an ear to many of my friends, it came to a point where I was the one in need of someone to just come along side of me. Sadly, I tasted the bitterness of my own pill. I also received hurt more than encouragement. I know that their intentions are really good, but when you’re in pain, it just does not help at all.
When Job was suffering, his seemingly wise friends came telling him so many things. Did it help Job? Not at all. Instead, his grief multiplied. He started to be defensive, to examine himself whether he sinned or not, to be sadder. In his sufferings, he only needed someone to listen to him and comfort him. He did not need accusation, judgment, and rebuke. In the same way, our suffering friend might just need your presence, without any words.
One thing I like about my best friend Marian is that she knows how to listen. And I realized that listening to a friend in times of sorrow means a lot more than talking and advising them.
I like the story of Pooh and Piglet because it enables me to see how being “always there” for a suffering friend is such an important act.
“Today was a Difficult Day,” said Pooh.
There was a pause.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Piglet.
“No,” said Pooh after a bit. “No, I don’t think I do.”
“That’s okay,” said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend.
“What are you doing?” asked Pooh.
“Nothing, really,” said Piglet.
“Only, I know what Difficult Days are like. I quite often don’t feel like talking about it on my Difficult Days either.
“But goodness,” continued Piglet, “Difficult Days are so much easier when you know you’ve got someone there for you. And I’ll always be here for you, Pooh.”
And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his Difficult Day, while Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs … he thought that his best friend had never been more right.
Our mere presence might already be an encouragement to someone who is suffering. Instead of uttering so many words that we think can encourage that person, let’s minister by praying – pray for them and pray with them. God is able to heal that person.
When I had to go through pain, I chose to pour out my heart to God and to some close friends whom I know are willing to listen and just sit down and pray with me.
Sometimes it is easy for us to say that “move on” or “that’s okay, God has a purpose.” Though, it is true that God has a purpose in our suffering, it is just not helpful because they do not experience what I have to go through and they do not feel the same pain and hurt that I have to deal with at any moment. So I never feel the sincerity of what they are saying. Nevertheless, I still appreciate their concern. The thing is not everyone has the same response. Some people might shy away and be bitter even more.
Proverbs 14:10 tells us how each heart knows its own bitterness and we would not exactly know someone’s pain and hurt unless we have gone and suffered exactly the same.
How can we show our love and concern to a friend who is hurting and suffering? Be more gentle and gracious. Be more kind in words and actions. Be more sensitive that instead of saying, “ You can do it by God’s grace” just say, “I am just here if you need me. Just pour out your thoughts and I will listen and pray for you.” Instead of saying, “What did you do wrong? You should have sought God and His Word” just say, “God knows your pain and hurt. He can heal you.” I believe these are more powerful. It eliminates the feeling of being judged and being at fault. These statements can calm a weary heart knowing that there is someone who can be with us.
I had a time in my life where I became so lonely because I felt that friends and families became distant. Maybe they were thinking that I am strong enough to handle things. All I could do was cry. But in all these things, God indeed has a purpose. I couldn’t have learned how I should minister to others during loneliness and deep sorrow if I myself had not gone through it. I couldn’t have much compassion to others the way I have now if I had not experienced those moments of feeling the pain and hurt.
When we are suffering and hurting, our hearts become more fragile. Never try to change the situation or solve others suffering and pain. God alone can do that.
Prayer is the best thing we can do for a friend who is suffering and hurting. Let them know that no matter what happens, you are there as a friend.
And we can just be the “Piglet” in our friends’ lives.
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