As I navigate this season of grieving, there is one thing I realized – my grief is my responsibility. No one can help me go through it and find healing except for myself. Yes, people might help at times, yet my grief is something I have to learn to deal with as it is deeply personal. Others may offer comforting words and encouragement out of their best intentions, but there are times when, to a grieving person, those are not just enough.
Friends and family would advise me to read scripture or say hopeful things, like ‘My mother is now in heaven, and one day, we will see each other again.’ “Move forward because there are many things to look forward to.” Some even say that. It’s true, life goes on, and there are many things to be grateful for – but the one I lost (we lost – my mother) is someone who cannot be restored or replaced. I’m not saying that these are not helpful because they are. It’s just that at times, when the wave of grief is overwhelming, reading Psalm 34:18 can’t seem to ease the pain of longing and sadness. At least, at this point.
After our mother died, I felt like I was numbed for a while. What I did not realize is that as the day passes and reality sinks in, loss slowly creeps in, bringing so many emotions that I am not even aware of. Someone has said, and I quote, “You don’t know grief until you have grieved.” True enough. I have also comforted and encouraged people during their time of loss. Yet, I could not relate much to what they were experiencing. I was merely sympathizing because I had never gone through their pain. And here I am now, going through grief. The mental knowledge that I had about processing grief is my steppingstone, plus many more things to heal. I looked back and truly understood their pain, though the intensity might be different.
No grieving is the same. We grieve differently when we lose a parent, a brother, a friend, a cousin, etc. Our grief depends on our relationship with the person. I have always been a strong person to people who knew me. But what they don’t know is the battles I conquered and won. Countless silent tears and prayers were poured out. A big part of it is my faith in God. I have always believed that God knows and controls everything. Nothing is hidden in His sight. So, I am sharing this because it might be that there is someone out there who is silently grieving, and this might somehow be helpful.
Faith, God, Prayer
My go-to therapy during this season of grieving is God and prayer. Yes, there are really times when reading Scripture is not helping, so I have to connect reading Scripture and prayer. Prayer let me pour out my sadness and pain without judgment. I know God knows and understands what I have been going through more than anyone else. He is our high priest who can empathize with us. He once wept for His friend Lazarus.
My faith during this grieving towards healing is a great help. Trusting that God will see me through and wanting to walk in His grace daily.
Cry, Cry, Cry
Scientifically, crying can help us cope with negative emotions and even stress hormones. So, when grief comes suddenly, I don’t suppress my urge to cry. I cry alone. I cry with my husband. But I don’t cry with my family as I see how vulnerable they can be during this time. Sometimes I wish I could just carry all their grief alone.
Crying can be an avenue to release the burden that I feel inside. It does not erase the pain and sorrow, but it is a powerful outlet to make me feel lighter. So, cry if you want to cry. And that is okay.
Online Support Group
There are just days when sadness weighs me down, and I need to see that I’m not weird for feeling this way alone. It is also a good way to share my thoughts and a way to just release my emotions, because I know that many, if not all, experience the same when they lose their loved ones.
I found a Facebook group with stories about how they lost their moms, their grief, and their sad stories. I feel connected in some way and feel validated. I’m not crazy or weird because of how I missed my mother or how I regretted things. It’s easier to connect with people like them.
I have met a woman from this group who lost her mom, too. At times, we message each other because our stories look similar, and we both lost our mothers in June. It is a relief to talk with someone who understands what I am going through.
Books, Blogs, Stories
There are good resources online and even physical books that I have read and am reading. Just be careful because not all have good information. I have to check who the author is, her or his background, and all. Though as a Christian, I do not shun psychology and medical therapy to cope with emotions, but I am very careful. Based on experience, these focus too much on self instead of God. Going through grief, I believe, is better when I put my faith in God as a source of strength and healing. Again, this is my conviction as a Christian. We might not be the same.
What I only want to say is to find goodreads books that will help. Mine, of course, the Bible, A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis, blogs, and kindle e-books.
So, where am I now? Leaving my “what ifs” and “what could have been,” my guilt, and my regrets in the same way as accepting the loss of my mother for the rest of my earthly life is what I think and work on most of these days. To learn to live with hope without her and to continue living is what I think my mother would have wanted for our family. It’s hard, yes. But mom will be most proud if we continue to live in such a way that her memories will come along with us. To pass on to our children. And to live her legacy through us.
We love you, Mom. Till we meet again in glory! 😦
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