These past months have been a whirlwind of emotions. The desire to move forward from that day of losing our mother seems like it goes round and round, as the grief suddenly comes anytime. This is the ugly truth about losing our mothers. No matter how strong we thought we were, without her, we still feel like we are no longer the same. Death, even though our consolation is that we spend eternity in Heaven, still means physical separation from our loved ones. And this goodbye is the saddest, as this is the end of whatever connection we shared physically. The only lasting pieces are memories.
As a grown woman, my childhood memories remain deeply engraved in both my heart and mind. My mother, who was my first teacher, taught me to read at a very young age. With the rod on her side and counting mouth, I felt terrified. During my elementary and high school days, she would check my notes, exams, and school activities. I had to explain why I got a low score on the test or why I did not participate in the school activities. She would cry (literally) if I were not on top. But whenever I went up the stage with her, she would be so proud. She always had a long list of advice to offer. “Study well. We are not rich.” “Choose your friends.” “Don’t marry early and make sure to have a wedding and call your boyfriend husband.” These were the usual statements growing up. There was one time I told her, “Nay, just record these things and play them.” Those were the days when life was still simple. Those were the times I longed for and treasure the most. I had happy memories of my childhood. I thought things would always be the same. But life leads us to different paths. The once little house becomes bigger. The sad part, we moved away from them. The house that was once full of loud voices and noises became quiet despite its bigger size.
As I think of these things, one thing was always there – my mother, who kept us always in one circle. At times, I still feel shocked. At 56, I know my mother was still looking forward to many things. It was unbelievable that a once strong and fighter mom passed away suddenly. She said goodbye to many things in this physical life, including us. It is so heartbreaking that many times, I catch myself thinking about our memories together. That’s the only thing I get to reunite with her. I still dream of her. But even though I only see her in my dreams, I feel happy. I know she is happier now in heaven, where she won’t feel any pain. Our family is still healing and recovering. These waves of grief are still overwhelming. But there is hope. Life doesn’t stop and cannot be slowed down. I know one day, God will heal us all. For now, I need to feel every inch of pain. That’s how I get more acquainted with grief.
“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
In times of grief, we can find comfort in the presence of our Savior. He is our rock and refuge during times of trouble, especially in moments of sorrow and grief.
To those who have lost their parent/s, may you be comforted in thinking that one day, these waves of grief won’t overpower us anymore. It will only come less frequently. But remember, this wave of grief won’t go away, but will be forever.
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