Grief is universal. This is how we feel when something we treasured or loved is taken away from us. It does not always pertain to losing a loved one. However, one of the most difficult aspects of grief is associated with losing our loved ones.
Grief. It’s tagged as an elephant in the room, especially when we are Christians. They say that one must pray, have faith, read the Bible, and serve in the ministry to cope with grief. Easier said than done. Although these things can help ease the heartache, they also serve as a form of distraction that can aid in suppressing our grief. It’s unhealthy to set aside grief, as we have to face and deal with it sooner or later to be healed by the grace of God. Grief does not go away even if we deny its existence. This is what I realized these past weeks of grieving. I told myself, “I will make myself busy, so I will forget that I am grieving.” Yet, grief comes in when there is silence. At times, I dreaded the night because sleep hardly visited me. I feel like I function like a robot, putting reality into my head, so I can still work the way I should be. Yet God never intends this way. I know I have to deal with the process. This mental knowledge that I have when counseling someone who has undergone grief in the past is the same knowledge that I have to walk through. Giving counsel to someone is way different than walking in the same path as yourself. My question these days is, “How can I grieve?” Aside from crying, which is so helpful, how can I go through the right way of grieving to surely address my healing? Thinking this logically in my head. A myriad of thoughts come in from time to time. I told my family to face grieving while moving on – at the same time, I am also navigating this season of grieving. We once grieved for our younger brother’s death almost three decades ago. That was at a young age that I had forgotten. Now, with my mother, I have to start afresh.
The Mixture of Emotions
Shock is part and parcel of losing a loved one. Despite being aware that one day, one by one, all of us will die, no one is truly prepared for dying. We can only prepare for our eternal destiny, but death itself is something that can come as an uninvited guest. Paul reminded us that “to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” That is true. So why do we grieve for our loved ones who went to sleep? And why do dying people also not want to die yet (not all but many), when they know they are Christians? Because we love. We love them and they love us back. And loving someone means you want to spend time with them as much as you can. Death destroys this cycle. In return, those who are still living face a new normal – living without them. This brings shock into our system, knowing that they are gone, just like that.
With all the people I talked to in the past who had gone through losing a loved one, questions, anger, resentment, guilt, and deep sorrow were the common emotions they faced. True enough, there are what-ifs and whys during the initial stage of grieving. We even feel that denial and blaming are responses. We feel anger and resentment. Guilt is also common, knowing that we might have done better for the person. But death is a word that can’t be explained fully. It’s only God who can answer our what-ifs and why’s of death. Trying to figure things out will make us go crazy. In the Bible, the Scripture tells us that Jesus grieved when His friend Lazarus died. Not because of Lazarus’ death, but he had compassion for those who were mourning for him. Jesus knew that Lazarus would be raised. By this story, we know that God mourns for us as He understands how we feel about losing our loved one.
Grieving Has No Timeline
We do not set a specific timeline for grieving, as it depends on the individual and their relationship with the loved one who passed away. The closer you are, the deeper the sorrow and grieving could mean. Some can grieve shortly, others might not, and can grieve severely. There is no need to box grieving and fit it to all. Go through the process, feel the pain, and cry as much as you can. But invite God’s presence into all of these. Tell Him about your sorrow, your anger, your guilt, and go back to His promise – He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Commune with the Lord. Like Mary when she said, “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died,” we can talk to Jesus about how we feel. And, surely God comforts. I have been reading the books of Psalms again as a way to remind myself of the comforting verses that I might have forgotten during those times when I am okay.
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:1-4
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18
Grieve With Your Family and Others
We are Christians, yes. But it does not mean that if we grieve, we are faithless. One of the lies of the enemy is that when we have faith, we become like robots. David, in his writing in Psalms, we can see that he was full of emotions. The only thing that separates us is that, like David, when he goes through the whirlwind of emotions, he goes back to God. In the same way, we are not to feel ashamed when grieving, because in grieving, God’s comfort and grace are magnified.
We speak about grieving with our family members and trusted friends who give comfort. Avoid some people who, instead of helping you cope, will try to throw so many verses as if you don’t have faith. Surround yourself with people who support you, not try to stop your grieving. A statement I read about says, “Grieving is not something we get over. It’s something we go through in the presence of God and others.” I could not agree more.
One thing that I learned from this is that I could not tell my family what to do, but I can pray for their comfort and point them to Jesus. They need the Healer, and that is not me.
Go Back To God
God understands us perfectly. He grieved. He wept. He is our high priest who knows and feels the same way we feel.
For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16
Let’s come boldly unto His throne to find grace and mercy, because we know that He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
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