As I sat on the edge of my bed, there was this sudden urge to just sit down and ponder for a while. How many years has it been? A little over six years, “that long, Ann!” I thank God because until now, I am still here. Those valleys and mountains that I walked on and climbed made me the person that I am now.
As I looked back and remembered those long years, there is one thing that I realized – there is a pain that transforms the soul. It was not a secret how my life turned upside down when I was diagnosed with malignant tumors in my thyroid. I thought that was the end of all.
Life happens and life throws things that caught us off-guard. My world was shaken to the core. As life happens, life must go on. Those years were years of deep realization about so many things in life. That day, at the hospital with that piece of paper, the life that I was clinging onto and holding dearly was let go. I was transformed in a way that I could never imagine. My diagnosis was a thorn in the flesh. It became like a rope that tied me and kept me from freely moving away. It was like a cage that restrained me from flying. I felt like I was dying though I was still alive. You know what? More than the pain in my body is the pain that transcended my soul and spirit. “What now, Ann? You will lose everything now.” This kept going back and forth in my mind. I was depressed, hopeless, and sad.
I stopped working. I mourned. My life was built around working. And when we don’t work, we don’t have many things on our plate, we get so much time, don’t we? I had so much time. I began to ponder more about life, the afterlife, and the life I had lived for decades. I could not count how many times I had to cry because finally, I got the chance to see where I was standing in life. The life that I wanted seemed to be in the opposite direction of God. It was a strong wake-up call from the Lord.
One verse that touched my soul was Psalm 119:71 which says, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” The pain that afflicted me became a way to learn more about Him. I never wanted to be sick or go through painful moments in life. Yet I had to go through it anyway. No matter how I tried to say, “No, this is not happening to me. I have many dreams and plans. I have so much potential.” But reality sank in, I had to face it. And that’s where I could start my healing. The acceptance that I will never be the same again. That I could die at any moment in time if it’s not because of God’s grace.
For me to move on, I had to be courageous. The problem is that I did know where to start. It was so hard to start again. Nevertheless, I had to. And I mustered the courage to do so because of Him.
Where I am now is because of the grace of God. That pain that transformed me, God used it for His glory. I started a new life with Him. When I was on the verge of quitting, He reminded me that my sickness has a purpose. My pain has a reason if I learn to surrender to Him.
And, that purpose is to find His will in my life, not my will, to fulfill His desires, not mine, to live my life with a purpose, not to seek after the pleasures of this world, to live before I die.
I helped in missions and ministries. I began to write encouragements and things about the Lord. I have traveled to see the mighty works of God in the lives of people. DIfferent places. Different people. I used the gift that He gave me to encourage others. Things that I never imagined doing because I had plans for myself, and sadly, God was not involved.
Truly, we do not know what tomorrow will bring. Our life is like a vapor that appears for a little time and vanishes away.” (James 4:14) What is the use of being successful if suddenly, we will be gone out of this world?
After all these years, I have understood why God allowed me to go through painful seasons. This is not to discourage me but to help me see deeper things in life. And, my walk with Him became even sweeter because I have proved His grace, mercy, and love.
Dear friends, I do not know what kind of pain you are going through right now. What I can tell you is that do not waste it. Lay it at the feet of Jesus and your healing will start. You will begin to see the life that God wants you to have. It might not be the best version as how you perceive it, but trust Him who holds our life and knows the future.
Never run away from pain. It is an opportunity to see life in light of what we believe in.
Leave a comment