Defeated. This is how I described my life three years ago when I learned that I got tumours in my thyroid. My entire body was paralysed and I could feel the numbness of my entire being as I stared at the white paper that totally changed the course of my life. I was living a life that I had wanted and my career was thriving. Yet here I was. The fun-filled days of planning about the future and joining the trendy message of “go-getters” suddenly vanished without any warning. I felt lost, hopeless, and confused.
Lord, how could this happen to me? Am I dreaming? Is this like some kind of a detour?
What I am going to do now? Is it the end? Have I committed the gravest sin?
For the next weeks, my life was like a nightmare. All those unpleasant things that I strongly avoided came to life. My mind was thinking, “this is the end.” There was no way out. Strong as I was, I shut everyone out. Friends and families might be talking to me but my heart was far from anyone. I wanted to carry my burden alone. I wanted peace. I wanted sometime to think and plan about what could happen.
You may understand if you have been in a situation where you have received a bad prognosis, lost a loved one, undergone serious trial or problem in your life, experienced shaking in your relationship, or might be faced with any hopeless situations.
I could not count how many tears I shed and how many sleepless nights I had to bear thinking about a lot of things. My life was turned upside down and there’s no other hope but to feel the pain and brokenness. My dreams and hopes suddenly turned into ashes. As I watch them being sailed by the swift wind, the picture of success slowly crumbling. And all I could do was cry.
As I go through this unbearable pain, I turned to God’s Word and poured out my heart to Him.
Ashes. I see my life slowly turning into ashes. Soon, it will vanish away. Life is not always stay where we wanted it to be. In an instant, it may change completely. It becomes cruel sometimes. Job knew this well when out of nowhere, trials came his way. He had lost his precious sons and daughters. He had lost his great possessions. He had been afflicted with boils. And yet, through all of these, he remained faithful to God. He could not even rely on his friends and wife. And we see him sat down among ashes (Job 2:8). Ashes in the Bible is a mark of grief, humiliation, and penitence. That was how Job felt. He was in grief and great distress. Amazingly, at the end of it, God restored and multiplied what he had lost.
And suddenly, I came back to my senses. My spirit started to be alive again. All these times, God has been picking up those broken pieces of my heart that was shuttered.
Starting Afresh
After how many months of feeling so alone and helpless, I began to see a ray of hope. “What if God intended this to happen to me for a reason?” This was my realization after battling with depression and anxiety for a while. This directed me to ponder more on the verse in Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” If this thing that has happened to me has a reason, then I need to find that out. True enough, that was the start of a journey that led me to know God’s purpose for me.
What does beauty for ashes mean to me?
Though I feel broken inside, God constantly reminding me of what He said to the Israelite:
“To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;” “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes. . . “Isaiah 61: 2-3
God provides comfort and beauty to the ugliness and discomfort that we go through. He never promised us to have a problem- free like but He said that as we go through troubles in life, He will never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).
I could never undo the past. More so, I could never be the same person as I was. But you know what I have learned? That God can give us a new beginning. That He can turn the ashes into something beautiful. And God is so amazing! Those fears and confusions that I had to go through; He wiped all those away. What’s left in me is my faith and a grateful heart. He stripped me off all the things that I clung onto tightly, so I could see my bareness. He took all the things that I held dearly, so I could see Him clearly.
The ugly life that I envisioned because of my sickness, I see now as a blessing in disguise. Should God ask me if I want to go back to where I was before, my answer would be no. Now, that He lets me experience Him in a deeper way, I would always stay in the place where He would lead me.
It is a beautiful picture that as we see our lives becoming ashes and broken pieces, on the other side, God lovingly and joyfully picks the pieces – making us a more beautiful work of art. There’s nothing to be feared in starting afresh. Our lives, no matter how broken it is, will not be worthless in the Lord.
Maybe you have experienced deep loneliness and discouragement. Maybe your dreams have just shuttered because of an event that had happened. Maybe you think that your situation is hopeless. My only advise based on experience is that turn to God and let Him be the one to heal you inside. He is just waiting for you, my friend!
Leave a comment