I had never experienced anything quite like this season of my life. In the last quarter of 2017, the Lord allowed my faith to be shaken for me to realize many things in life. “You need to undergo an operation as soon as possible,” those were the words of the doctor’s assistant upon handling a piece of paper that totally changed the course of my life. I tried to grasp everything but it just did not sink in right away. I was still calmed, though my heartbeat was racing like I just came from running a mile. I could not remember how I was able to come home. My heart was so broken.
I had always control over many things in my life. But this time, I could not do anything but cry out to God to help and deliver me out of this ugly situation.
“I am so sick. I will soon die,” these were the statements that kept coming back and forth my mind as I tried to make sense of the situation. I am a brave woman. I rarely cry. But why did I keep on crying these days? The next thing I knew, I was on aggressive medication. I could barely come to work (I resigned before knowing my sickness) and just waited until the end of my employment. I became busy not with work, but with doctor’s appointments and treatments. Every day, I felt so exhausted. Nevertheless, I need to face it. I had no choice.
I had always been an active woman. I was full of energy. I did not learn how to be still. I was always on-the-go – meeting friends and clients, socializing, fellowshipping, and doing God’s ministry. The only time you see me home was during night time where I was forced to sleep. Other than that, most of my hours were spent outside with people. Things became different when I entered this season in my life. It was the exact opposite of my lifestyle.
Now, most of the days are just spent home – doing my devotions, reading books, cleaning the house, cooking, and doing some part-time work (so I could eat), or doctor’s appointment. Sometimes, I would feel like I am a different person. I was not like this a couple of months ago. But now, it is a total change of the way of life.
Because of this, I learned how to be still. I embraced this season of seeking and knowing God more. My time with the Lord before was always in a hurry. All I could remember was just uttering a short prayer for the entire day. I barely remember God throughout the day because I was so focused on my work. But now is different. I can sing songs for the Lord, write poems and letters to Him, and even pray as long as I can. It feels so good. There is nothing much to worry about.
I started to feel that my healing began the moment I accepted my new normal. There’s no more resistance but acceptance of the things that I do not have the capacity to change. Thus, my healing journey becomes a delight instead of a burden.
Did I feel bad about it? During the first few months, yes I felt that I was useless. That, I became a burden to my family and friends. But as the days passed by, the Lord showed me the lessons that I need to learn and wrong practices that I need to unlearn in order to be centered on Him. It is not an easy journey, really. Nonetheless, I know that God walks with me through this new path. His love compels me to forget my fear and just put my entire faith in Him. You might not understand what I am going through, but one thing I can say is that, heavy trials will let us swerve from the natural and physical to spiritual realm where God meets us.
Most often than not, we tend to function from the natural realm that is why sometimes, it is hard for us to trust God. We tend to be like the Israelites who did not see God’s miracles because they were so focused on the physical rather than spiritual. Like what our Pastor always reminds us, we need to always “faith it out and not figure it out.” Indeed, that’s the truth that I came to understand as I go through this.
What does this season of stillness teach me?
- That in our lives, stillness is necessary to see God moves (Psalm 46:10)
- In stillness, there is true rest in Him (Luke 10:41-42, Psalm 62:5)
- Stillness is an opportunity to trust God more (Isaiah 40:31, Isaiah 30:15)
- Stillness will enable the Lord to work in our situation instead of us (Exodus 14:14)
- Stillness makes us more intimate with the Lord (Luke 6:12, Psalm 131:1-2)
It has been almost 2 years since that news came in without warning. All those months that went by, the Lord never failed to provide, encourage, and give me hope. It may seem hopeless, but I learned how to put my hope only in the Lord. I know that someday, He will heal me. I would like to believe that miracles do happen – I just need to believe in it. I want my life to be a good testimony of God’s mercy and love. Like Paul, I will utter these words, “According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death” (Philippians 1:20. Therefore, whether I live or I die, I will worship the Lord.
While being still, I am like watching the hands of God does the work. It amazes me how I became shortsighted before. Instead of God doing the work, I tried to help Him, even asked Him to step aside and I would do things on my own. What was sad about it? I was blinded to think that I let Him did the work when in fact, I was just informing Him (not letting Him do it His way but my way). But that was part of the history. I have learned my lessons and all I need to do now is to apply those lessons and press on.
Are you in this season of your life? Maybe it is a season where you need to pause and reassess where you are now. Though, it may seem that you are in chaos, ask the Lord to give you a different perspective. Pray for strength to carry the load instead of pleading to take it away. Treasure moments like this in God. It is where we see the Him all the more, if we are determined to bring Him in all our affairs in life.
There is beauty in being still – we refrain from being self-sufficient and self-dependent. By taking selfishness out of the picture, we can cast all our cares upon Him.
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