I have been counting days and months since I have learned that I have this serious health condition that might cause me to just die. Time seems to stop as this condition keeps me from doing all the things that I love to do. “It has been too long,” I muttered with impatience. The silence that surrounded my little room could not suppress the loud beating of my heart as I started to grumble about my situation. I kept asking the Lord “why not heal me today?” There is no doubt that He is able at any moment in time. But why does it take so long? As I struggled to settle down and calm my mind, so I could start my devotion, the Lord has impressed a familiar verse in Isaiah that says, “My ways are not your ways, and your thoughts are not my thoughts.” A sudden realization came in and I felt ashamed with what I just demanded before the Lord. Lately, I have been pondering so much about life and how I am living my life in line with eternity in Him. “After all, is it worth it? Is my life a living sacrifice that others may come to know Jesus?”
There are times when worries just come in and cripple me for the supposedly joyful walk in the Lord. Doubts and fears are always around tempting me. And, I needed to be reminded of God’s promises, so I would not turn away from Him. Psalm 119: 92 that says, “Unless thy law had been my delights, I should then have perished in my affliction,” becomes an inspiration to me. Frankly, without the Word of God, I could have fallen into depression and anxiety. But thank God for His living Word that we can always run to whenever we need it. I know that what’s I am going through is not a surprised to Him who created me. And, I keep on believing that. I still believe that miracles do happen in so many ways. I know that in this journey, no matter how difficult it is, God is with me in every step along the way.
I have been learning so much now that I have a lot time to think about the gift of life, the reality of death, our faithful God, and our hope in eternity. Thoughts that I am aware of, but not totally understanding it, since I was preoccupied with shallow things of the world. The things that I would like to share with you are those that have impacted my life these past months.
1. God is God and He does not change.
In our dark times, God is not surprised. He knows our beginning and our end. I always remember how He healed Job, how He extended the life of King Hezekiah, and even performed miracle in the life of the bleeding woman. He can easily turn this seemingly impossible situation in my life, too. The God of these people is also the God that I am serving now. He does not change no matter what our situation is. He is a loving God and He knows what is best for us. We just need to trust Him and lean on His ways.
“Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and forever,” Hebrews 13:8.
2. The importance of ministering to my family (showing my love to them).
I thought I have been a good daughter and sibling to my family. I was the bread winner for the longest time. I was able to send my siblings to school and even provided for the day to day needs of my family. Money became the source of my affection to them. I did not recognize that ministering and showing my love to them are far better that just fulfilling their needs. Yes, it is easier, but it won’t last. Later on, I realized that I have gone so far and after all these years, I forgot to know them well. I was so busy with earning money and building my career that I became detached to them. And now, I realized the importance of showing my love to them because time is short. We don’t know what lies tomorrow, and the only sure thing is today. There are a lot of ways that I could have done to show my love, but I thank God for allowing me to see this. There is still time.
My responsibility now is to redeem it this time around.
3. Be kind and love people more.
People always perceive me as a strong and firm woman. I have developed this so-called “disciplinarian” attitude if I may call that way. What is wrong is wrong and I tell it frankly. Rarely do people say that I am kind. Then, I realized how I need to be kind to people because I want to reflect Jesus in my life. I always thought that humility is a sign of weakness, so I chose to be bold and strong. But the Scripture tells me otherwise. The Lord said, “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth,” (Matthew 5:5), so I need to be clothed with humility in order to be kind in words and even in actions. If I love the Lord, I would obey His standards and not my personal belief. And, no regret to that. It feels so good to be kind.
1 Corinthians 13 always remind me of how I should be loving others the way Jesus loves them. It is not easy when we rely on ourselves, but the power of the Holy Spirit is in us to show us the way. It is impossible to walk in peace with men if we are not walking with God. I remember someone once said that it is okay not to be right with men, so long that he is okay with God. This seems to work in some situations, but not all. If we are walking with God rightly, the bible tells us that the Lord makes even our enemies to be at peace with us (Proverbs 16:7). When the Lord said that He loves us, He demonstrated it through His son. In the same way, if I love people, I would also demonstrate it through my actions.
4. Be content.
Paul said that in whatsoever state he was, therewith he was content (Philippians 4:11). He even exhorted that” having food and raiment let us be therewith content,” (1 Timothy 6:8). Growing up with not so many things in life, I really dreamed of being successful in life. Contentment is the least that I had in mind. My motto was “As long as you can, grab every opportunity to improve yourself, to be something, and to be successful. Others can, so am I.” But things have changed when the Lord took the things that I kept holding onto (like my job). He lets me experience how to have nothing but His provision. Then, I realized, I could still be happy. My fear of not having the things that I wanted became just a memory. Because I have a new reality. My fear was gone, and I learned to enjoy the little things that the Lord has been providing for me in His surprising ways. Now, I understood why Paul was able to say that. His love for Jesus and the things concerning Him kept his focus on what matters the most.
5. Set our minds on heavenly things and rewards.
As a woman of this this generation, I joined the band wagon of “grab every opportunity because it might not come your way again.” So, in my mind, I need to do this and to do that. Along the way, I forgot my real purpose. My mind was set on earth and thus, I lost sight of the heavenly things and rewards that I should have been keeping myself busy with. Now, I came to my senses. I know that I could not bring back the past to correct all the mistakes that I had, but the Lord’s unfailing grace keeps me pressing on and continue in His love. I don’t know how my life would be a year or two from now. But I do know that the Lord is already ahead of me. And, it is my prayer that He will sustain me as I have decided to leave all those earthly things behind to carry on the heavenly matters that He would want me to see.
“Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth,” Colossians 3:2.
Since that day that I have learned this serious illness, my life has been constantly changing, so I can be set apart for the Lord. It is not an easy journey, but again, I trust that the Lord is walking beside me. It is never a burden to be in this situation.
As what I have written in my journal, I need to be thankful in trials and pain – it is where I see God the most.
Life is short and this life that we have is not ours. It is God’s. Every day is a gift that we must be thankful for and not something that we can demand from God.
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